The last few weeks of 2020 have been quite a whirlwind for me. When I went to my 36 week appointment, I had no idea that I would be scheduling my c-section for the next week.
My mother happened to be at this appointment with me, and when my doctor suggested the surgery for next week, we both starred at her in silence...not able to comprehend what was just said to us.
My son's due date was January 20th. I thought I had more time to tie-up things at work, to finish the nursery, to deep clean my house...and just come to terms with becoming a mom.
But no, due to me developing pre-eclampsia, everything had been moved up 3 weeks.
When it finally started to sink in, I freaked out.
"I'M NOT READY!!!" Is all I could think.
I haven't finished my postpartum book. And I've forgotten some of the "rules" about breastfeeding. Goodness is breastfeeding intimidating! How am I going to clean this house? I can barely take ten steps without losing my breath. Caleb is hardly home to help because of his job. Christmas is almost here...delaying everything even more.
"I'm just not sure I can do this. I'm not prepared enough to be a mother. I prayed for this? God what is going on?"
Those are most of the thoughts that raced through my mind. The idea of Asher was all fine and dandy...as long as things were going to my plan, and at my pace. But the second things started to go out of my control-forcing my son to become a reality "too soon"- oh no, I felt like I was going under.
But before I could completely drown in all my uncertainties, I remembered Mary at the first Christmas.
How, as a young girl she did not in the slightest plan on giving birth to a baby. Reflecting on that fact and the events of the first Christmas, helped me to find peace.
I can now totally relate to Mary's vulnerable situation. I admire her more for her calm response and acceptance of events. She may have been a young girl, but her faith was beyond her years.
God allowed Mary to bring Emmanuel to the world, that is "God with us". And the more I thought about that, the more courage filled my heart, knowing that God would be with me too.
And while this thought was filling me with courage, Hagar and Ishmael's story was giving me confidence.
Hagar was Sarai's (Abram's wife) slave. Sarai let Abram marry Hagar as a concubine as a way for Abram to have an offspring. However, once Hagar became pregnant, Sarai regretted her decision and made life hard for Hagar. So much so, that Hagar ran away.
However, God called out to Hagar while she was out in the wilderness. He encouraged her and told her that she was having a son. He told her that He would bless her son. Hagar felt so encouraged by being seen and heard- that she called God- El Roi-"The One Who Sees".
Sometimes being seen and understood is all we really want. Mary's story gives me courage and Hagar's story gives me confidence.
God sees me, He sees Caleb, and He sees little Asher. We are all comfortably in His hands.
I don't have to know how to do everything or even "be ready". I just have to be, for He will be enough and right there with me, guiding me along.