Infertility is tough to talk about and for a long time, I couldn't. For at least two years I have had the desire to have a baby.
I have decided that if I ever had a girl, I'd name her Kate.
Not Katie. Just Kate.
Kate Bostick, sounds nice, doesn't it?
If a boy, well, I haven't fallen in love with any boy names yet. The ones I have liked, have been taken by either a friend or pet.
So, for now when I refer to my future baby, it's just Baby Kate.
Like many would-be moms, I have imagined all that I would teach my children. The things I would pass down, that were passed down to me.
Would we swing in a big wooden swing, all the way to the moon and sing "Found a Peanut" to the top of our lungs? Would I do a smash cake on their first birthday?
I've imagined the squeals, the giggles, and the pitter-patter of little feet.
Would she look like me? Would he act like me or Caleb?
What about discipline? Would I be good at enforcing time-out? Could I be consistent?
For now, those questions feel irrelevant. A hallow empty dusty dream.
Caleb and I started trying a have a baby nearly a year ago. Our extra room is still empty.
Sometimes I worry if I have entered into early menopause. I am in my early thirties. Am I too old? Is my body saying, "too late?"
I'm not sure that Caleb and I will be able to adopt either. It's a very expensive and lengthy process. It certainly would take longer that nine months to finalize. If we were to adopt, would my parents even get to know my child? Would there be too much of an age gap between cousins?
As time passes, my chances seem to get smaller and smaller.
This sounds selfish, but it's hard to be happy when some else announces that they are pregnant. I try to be polite, but my smile is just a tad delayed and it just doesn't turn up enough.
Their announcement is a sharp reminder of what I don't have...and may never. My chest tightens and a knot forms in the pit of stomach.
Tears don't come.I just feel frozen, immobilized by sadness.
I have spoken to my gynecologist. At the moment, she thinks it may be due to my weight. I'm hoping she's right. It makes me feel like I have some kind of control over it.
Control...what a funny concept.
No matter what I do, it's still up to God if He wants me to have a child. A man's heart plans his way, but the LORD determines his steps (Proverbs 16:9).
When I think about that verse it calms my fears. It reminds me that God is for me and whatever His plans are for me and Caleb, that they will be for our good.
But some days that verse doesn't come to mind, and my heart slips back into fear. I clammer for ways to bring myself some sense of control. I start googling many things looking for answers. Envy and anger creep in.
But then, not too long ago, I looked up at the pretty framed words hanging on my living room wall. It was something I had bought from Hobby Lobby many years ago.
The pretty words said, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future". It is scripture from Jeremiah 29:11.
When my eyes locked on to those verses and actually drank in the words, I finally felt peace.
My envy of others has greatly faded. My smile for pregnant couples is real and not delayed.
But...
I still desire to have Baby Kate. My empty extra room still bothers me.
I haven't given up hope of trying naturally, and I've recently signed-up with a health program to help that effort. So far have lost 10lbs.
I still have a long way to go, but I know if I get pregnant, being at a healthier weight will give me and the baby a healthier pregnancy, delivery, and better quality of life moving forward.
I think of it as my way of living in faith that God will give me a child one day.
But if He doesn't.
Then the pretty words on my wall will be more than pretty words. They will be the truth that I cling to. I believe that God has a divine plan for everyone and that He works all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).
This means that if somehow God decides that I am to have neither biological nor adopted children, then He must have grander plans for Caleb and I.
To be grander than having children....Wow! Those must be pretty grand plans.
This is the hope I rest my heart in. This is the hope I have for Baby Kate.